Either that, or it's Glenn Spectre's armpit when you're locked in a dragon sleeper. I'm going with the fear. I've worked that quote in now, and I truly believe I'm a better man for it.
So yeah, it's been a long time since I've updated this horseshit of mine. I'm sure everyone's even forgotten I have this thing. BUT, should you happen to come across this, mother fucker, PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON, cuz I'm gunna talk forever......In short, you're going for a ride!
(Just so everyone knows, seatbelts really are underrated. Buckle up!)
Just in case anyone's looking for me to go nuts in this update, as the last, almost three months ago, please keep in mind I am legitimately bipolar, and my happy side is shining through like a wizard. Maybe I'll just punch a retard. Either way, we're going to look at the fun side of the weekend, and the good things about the business, so let's get started, shall we?
The date- Friday, May 14th- Awoken by my better half, much to my chagrin. I go to the gym. I've been tanning, dieting, and working out lately. You know, those things that make people not look the way I did a month or so ago. I sure don't look like PETEY WILLIAMS or anything yet, but more on that later......
Nonetheless, I get back from tanning, a good shoulder and ab session, followed by cardio, we get ready, and take off. Now, I'm a pretty agressive (read- fast) driver, but usually laid back and under control. We're running a little late, short drive, all good. Hour and 45, by Mapquest standards to the building. Hour 15 by mine. About three is what it took, and I had to piss. BAD. Man, I was ornery. I was yelling, and screaming and shit in the car, as we were late already. Luckily, a SEATBELT saved me from flipping out. Sort of. Not so much the belt itself, but the view of it slipping between my womans giant, cleavage baring juggs......Man, I'm tellin ya, SEATBELTS are useful for SO much! Calmed me right down.
So, after we get to the building, I walk in and piss, for prolly a good 30 minutes. I have a small bladder. Really small. Jaimy Coxxx interrupts this, and cheers me up. This is not the first time we've spoken deepfully while one of us has had our meat whistle in our hand. I'm betting it's not the last.
I'm further cheered up by my actual entry to the locker room, which, for no reason whatsoever, as is the new tradition (Thanks Pat- started with you) is met with people chanting my name, and a goddamned standing ovation. Again, I've done nothing to warrant this, it's just the ritual, and the most loved I felt all weekend. Thanks guys!
I surely didn't feel loved by the fans that night, as I was involved in a match with another fan favorite, Frankie the Face. Man, everyone got way behind Frankie. No one wanted me to win...know what? I did, and that means two things. A) The bigger weird guy you like a lot who yells uncontrollably, points at himself and wears Michael Jackson's jacket doesn't always beat the tan small guy you kinda like okay but don't really like that much cuz he's too generic in 2004 to get over big as a babyface (A very valuable lesson, and one that applies at least 3 times a day in everyones life. Just a common situation, ya know?), and B) It doesn't matter either way, cuz I get to beat the living shit out of Gutter next month in a KOI title match......
After the show, me and Kirsten hang out with Brian Gorie, who is now my second favorite ref of all time (more on that later....again), Jaimy Coxxx and Mr. Meaner, who was very good company to watch the rest of the show with. We talk about business for awhile, a GREAT best of tape, but, eventually, the conversation breaks down like a 4 way untrained clusterfuck, and eating chicks buttholes is the convo de jour. 2 hours later, we arrive home. We're both tired, and, unfortunately, no ass munching ensues.......
So I'm awaken again, by HER, about 4 hours later, and jump in the shower, sit around, waiting for Jimmy Jacobs. Finally I make a call, he gets up, and BAYUM, we take off. Headed to (CMON!!!) West Newton, Pennsylvania. First hour or so of a 7 hour drive is rather uneventful. Then, with my phone off, Jimmy's cell rings. For, possibly, the 349th time in the hour. I'm halfway paying attention, and wham. He fucking lays it on me.......
"That was Kirsten. She wants you to put your seatbelt on. She just feels weird, and is worried. That's all she called for."
We laugh...a LOT... and then realize, through odd coincidence, we both feel REALLY weird the more we think about it. Like, REALLY weird. It was a really gloomy drive all the way, and traffic was STRANGE. We get to talking, about how much everyone in the business drives, all of the people we love that were on the road that day......We HAD to do something......
Weird superstitions or not, we called everyone we could think of, in between long talks about driver safety, accidents, motor related deaths, etc. It might sounds dumb, but seriously, you can NEVER be too safe on the road. Everyone should BUCKLE UP! We let at least 50 people know that on the 7 hour drive there.
After we drive in circles through the REALLY HILLY streets of Pittsburgh, we pick up the most antisocial, untalkative commentator ever. He was really nice though, and I liked him a lot despite him saying nothing. He prolly thought we we're really creepy, as we talked about nothing but SEATBELTS the entire hour drive, but man, we were really feeling weird and trying to be cautious by then. Karma, ya know?
So we got to the building finally, which was located somewhere in the middle of Purgatory, as it was grass, grass, grass, venue. Just fuckin nothing. See a few familiar faces, like Fabulous, a few refs, and AL B DAMM. Man, Albie....What more can you say about the guy, except that he WAY looks like the Predator now.
Ax from DEMOLITION is on the show, and still has the coolest entrance music of all fucking time. Unfortunately, he doesn't have his coolest entrance of all time. No one else does either, as there were like 25 people there. BOO!
I felt like shit at this point. Getting sicker and sicker throughout the weekend. That thing that hangs down in your throat, I think its our Uvula...My throat was so swollen mine was hanging halfway down my tongue. Not good.
My opponent for the evening is Glenn Spectre, who wrestled, and had a good showing with Chris Sabin the week before at IWC's Super Indy Tourney. Even with channelling the power of Petey Williams, who was Glenn's original opponent, I went down to defeat. I would've fucked him up, but man, I could never do that flippy piledriver. Also, I fall for a lot of shit Petey wouldn't, don't punch as hard as Petey, do moves Petey wouldn't do, don't do what Petey would, etc. Apparently, in this case, the 3 fans who said anything were right, as I lost to Glenn Spectre. Oh well.....I smell better than Glenn, and the chicks dig that.
After the show, we drive off, have a LOT of problems with Pittsburgh highways (whoever the fuck the mayor is, needs to level the whole goddamned town, and make it WAY simpler) and finally get on our way. We say goodbye to the nice, mute commentator who has no clue where he lives, and get on our way.
After watching most of Karate Kid part 2 (Petey and Jimmy had done that recently together as well on a drive) we crash out. Where you ask?!
WRESTLE HOUSE OHIO!
Actually, it's not so much a WrestleHouse, but just the coolest, nicest house I've ever stayed in. The home- Josh Proho's. He put us up, girlfriend there and everything. Jimmy and I meet her. She's way nice. He's way nice. The house is WAY nicer than nice. We crash in the "basement", which is roughly twice the size of my entire house. I sleep about three hours, only to wake up and find "Just One Of The Guys" on Comedy Central. Great movie. Go rent it!
Jimmy pops, half sleeping, for the movie, and eventually we shower. Not together.......
Jimmy gets some homemade pancakes, I get my creatine and protein (although I'm offered pancakes) and we thank Josh for his ridicuosely good natured hospitality. Man, that guy is so nice. It's a fucking WONDER Me, Jimmy, Josh and Michael Stryker were booed like 3 years ago in a 4 on 4 in Cleveland. He put us up when he was just chillin at home with his girl, I folded blankets, cleaned up a little, and we thanked him for being so cool. If only those fans really knew.......People say bridges are burned all the time in this business, but I guarantee that's one alliance that will never die!!!!
Back on the road to Warren,MI, and Jimmy and I, as we pull up to the building, realize that we absolutely hate each other. Worked out well, as we're involved in a 3 way dance with Alex Shelley. Kinda Strange.....
We go out and have a nice little three way dance, where we beat Jimmy up, he beats us up, he cannonballs on me from hanging on the rafters. In the end, Alex Shelley gets the pin off of my piledriver after a cheap shot. Goddamn Alex Shelley. Code of Honor my ass..........
Time to be real. I had a ton of fun this weekend. I didn't get time to hang out with as many old friends as I'd have liked, but I was busy making new friends, or, at least, speaking with them more. I liked every promoter, ref, worker, etc, I dealt with this weekend, and just had fun in general. I'm sorry in advance if anyone gets sick in the next week. It's me. Throw the heat on me, I'll wait for my receipt. I'm pretty sick. My throat's all swollen up, etc. Oh well.
I did, however, while making them much more succeptible to my sickness (It got worse all weekend) enjoy all my hugs. So I'm gunna give a top three hug ranking, since no one else has done it yet in their LJ.....
3) Jaimy Coxxx- Far and away, my all time favorite male hugger. Nice, tight, and loving. If it were the first time, man, I'd be all over it. It's just a given now. Shit, we've humped each other, but even with the riots, humping, nudeness, ludity, he's still in the top three of any given hugfest. THAT is the sign of a lasting relationship......
2) Alex Shelley- He fucked me over later in the night, and stole a belt off of my piledriver (prolly not as cool as Petey's piledriver if you ask the fans in West Newton, PA, but fuck them), but damn, I hadn't seen him in months, and it was a great hug. I ran, one shoe on, right up to his car the minute I saw him.......
AND NUMBER ONE..........
DUM DUM DUM.......
Jaime D- Couple handshakes, etc, before this ordeal, lil small talk, nothing big, but MAN......If anyone has a chance to get hugged by Jaime D, fucking TAKE IT! Maybe it's just cuz I'm a small guy and get turned on by big chicks, but I don't think that's it. I dont even think it's the fact that me and the Evil Dr Numbers once, WAY back, gerrymandered all of fucking Canada. Thats right, PETEY! Try and register to vote. I dare you. Where do you go? Left, right, straight ahead?! You might have a cooler piledriver than me, and be more over in West Newton, PA, BUT, You'll NEVER have a clue where to vote, cuz I've Gerrymandered your whole goddamned country!
Anyway, I got my first hug ever from Jamie D.........I feel loved by her now, I love her, she loves my girlfriend, my girlfriend loves her. I got a hug from a big, strong chick. I'm not insecure. Should could beat me fucking senseless. Makes the good hug even better.......I like getting beat up by chicks....Fuck off until you try it.....
AND, that was my niceness. Laughed at my hatred last time. Laugh at my love this time. Fuck you all.
PS- Look for Gavin Starrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!! bumper stickers that Breyer Wellington will steal and trade for trans on trips and references to Bryce the ref. He grabbed the only hair tie I had on a triple shot and saved it for me. Place to sleep/hair band= tie. Josh Proho and Bryce the ref are friends of the week.
Jamie D is still a better hugger than all of you, though. And Thanks Chris. Fun stuff. Love ya.
WEAR YOUR SAFETY BELT!!
STARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood:
horny
